if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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