thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
