Little spoons don't ask big questions
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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