I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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