I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
