I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
