Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
babies were throwing up all over the place
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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