She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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