hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
