i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
