Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
