he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
