Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
