I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
