Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
