Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize