I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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