I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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