Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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