there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
