Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
