meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
