Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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