i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize