You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
