Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
