after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
