I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize