happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
