I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
