is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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