I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
