Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
