how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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