yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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