Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize