a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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