I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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