how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
