My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
