So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
