When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My vagina is officially offended.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
