why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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