I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
