he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
