I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
