She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize