so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
