So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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