The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I smell stomach acid.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
