Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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