Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
