i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
