she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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