I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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