when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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