I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
