There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize