Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
false alarm, still single
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
